"Expect nothing and accept everything and you will never be disappointed." L. Overmire
The definition of disappointment is: The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.
Have you ever been disappointed? So disappointed that you are stuck in a rut? I think that is Ben and I right now and it is not so fun! This I know is not a place where I want to be or stay but I am here. What am I disappointed in...well, there is a list! Our disappointment is in where we are in life right now, people, unkept promises, lack of babies, dreams not being fulfilled, therapists, relationships, our love, people's choices, and its disappointing to have to hear your husband say, "I have a brain injury but I am not stupid!" and the list goes on. For awhile I have let these disappoinments get to me whether I can do anything about them or not.
It is not fair to me that we are in this situation. I don't like it and never had. I am not happy that Ben and my dreams (that the Lord put in our hearts) are having to be put on hold. I don't like it that Ben cannot work and cannot to what he so loves to do. I don't like to see him struggle with just the simple of tasks. I am disappointed in God, I am disappointed in myself. But this has nothing to do with God, it has everything to do with me and where my heart is right now!
Places have disappointed us, people have disappointed us, situations have disappointed us, life has brought disappointments and the list goes on! I can tell you one thing though in spite of all this that Jesus doesn't disappoint. I don't understand what He is doing or what He is up to, I may not like it (which I don't), I may not agree but I can say that He doesn't disappoint. In knowing this it doesn't mean that I haven't struggled. I have wrestled with the scripture, "Is anything to hard for the Lord?" Gen 18:14 The answer is no but at the same time alot of questions come with that. If nothing is to hard for Him why has He not healed my man completely? If nothing is to hard for Him why is this dragging out? If nothing is to hard for Him then why oh why did He not stop the truck that hit us? This to me is disappointing but then again I go back to the fact that God doesn't disappoint, nothing is to hard for Him. What it comes down to is my heart. God doesn't disappoint me in things, I do. Jesus doesn't make things to hard, I do!
In my frustrations of being disappointed and feeling far away from the Lord I was in the Word the other night and we were doing our devotions together. The title of the devotion that day was Walk With Me. It focused on Matt. 11:26-12:21 but more specifically on Matt. 21:28-30 which says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll reoover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (The Message)
In the devotion I was instructed to find words or phrases that stood out to me. I also read the NLT to see what I could pull from it as well...
-come to Me
-all of you
-recover your life
-walk with Me and work with Me
-i am humble and gentle
-watch how I do it!
-take My yoke
In this time this is just what I needed to read and hear. It comes at the perfect time. When I read the words of Jesus it takes away the disappointent, it takes away the unfairness, it melts my heart and puts things back into perspective! Later that night when I was getting ready for bed a song came on that I have not heard forever. It was instrumental but I knew the words and they were do what I needed to have running through my mind!
It is the old hymn Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus...
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!
His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!
Life does suck right now for Ben and I. I don't like where we are at and the fact that we may be stuck in life and the unknown but one thing I will continue to do is turn my eyes upon Jesus because He doesn't disappoint, He is capable, and nothing is to hard for Him.
This post may be all over the place but it is where we are at this point and I just had to get it off my chest. I have some soul searching to do and some heart work to continue but that is life! I am holding on to my Jesus and to my man!
Ben's prayer tonight...
"Lord, thank you for having me in this sitution. It is hard though for me and Katie. Don't turn your back on me. Heal my body. Help me through this situation."...and a few other things...
"I’m finding that when I’m at the end of my rope, I should tie a knot, hang on, and swing!"