Wednesday, August 17, 2011

the joys of disappointment...

"Expect nothing and accept everything and you will never be disappointed." L. Overmire
The definition of disappointment is: The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

Have you ever been disappointed? So disappointed that you are stuck in a rut? I think that is Ben and I right now and it is not so fun! This I know is not a place where I want to be or stay but I am here. What am I disappointed in...well, there is a list! Our disappointment is in where we are in life right now, people, unkept promises, lack of babies, dreams not being fulfilled, therapists, relationships, our love, people's choices, and its disappointing to have to hear your husband say, "I have a brain injury but I am not stupid!" and the list goes on. For awhile I have let these disappoinments get to me whether I can do anything about them or not.

It is not fair to me that we are in this situation. I don't like it and never had. I am not happy that Ben and my dreams (that the Lord put in our hearts) are having to be put on hold. I don't like it that Ben cannot work and cannot to what he so loves to do. I don't like to see him struggle with just the simple of tasks. I am disappointed in God, I am disappointed in myself. But this has nothing to do with God, it has everything to do with me and where my heart is right now!

Places have disappointed us, people have disappointed us, situations have disappointed us, life has brought disappointments and the list goes on! I can tell you one thing though in spite of all this that Jesus doesn't disappoint. I don't understand what He is doing or what He is up to, I may not like it (which I don't), I may not agree but I can say that He doesn't disappoint. In knowing this it doesn't mean that I haven't struggled. I have wrestled with the scripture, "Is anything to hard for the Lord?" Gen 18:14 The answer is no but at the same time alot of questions come with that. If nothing is to hard for Him why has He not healed my man completely? If nothing is to hard for Him why is this dragging out? If nothing is to hard for Him then why oh why did He not stop the truck that hit us? This to me is disappointing but then again I go back to the fact that God doesn't disappoint, nothing is to hard for Him. What it comes down to is my heart. God doesn't disappoint me in things, I do. Jesus doesn't make things to hard, I do!

In my frustrations of being disappointed and feeling far away from the Lord I was in the Word the other night and we were doing our devotions together. The title of the devotion that day was Walk With Me. It focused on Matt. 11:26-12:21 but more specifically on Matt. 21:28-30 which says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll reoover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (The Message)
In the devotion I was instructed to find words or phrases that stood out to me. I also read the NLT to see what I could pull from it as well...
-come to Me
-all of you
-recover your life
-walk with Me and work with Me
-i am humble and gentle
-watch how I do it!
-take My yoke

In this time this is just what I needed to read and hear. It comes at the perfect time. When I read the words of Jesus it takes away the disappointent, it takes away the unfairness, it melts my heart and puts things back into perspective! Later that night when I was getting ready for bed a song came on that I have not heard forever. It was instrumental but I knew the words and they were do what I needed to have running through my mind!

It is the old hymn Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus...

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Life does suck right now for Ben and I. I don't like where we are at and the fact that we may be stuck in life and the unknown but one thing I will continue to do is turn my eyes upon Jesus because He doesn't disappoint, He is capable, and nothing is to hard for Him.

This post may be all over the place but it is where we are at this point and I just had to get it off my chest. I have some soul searching to do and some heart work to continue but that is life! I am holding on to my Jesus and to my man!

Ben's prayer tonight...
"Lord, thank you for having me in this sitution. It is hard though for me and Katie. Don't turn your back on me. Heal my body. Help me through this situation."...and a few other things...

"I’m finding that when I’m at the end of my rope, I should tie a knot, hang on, and swing!"


Jen said...

Ben & Katie ~

My daughter is severely brain injured and I am feeling more stuck right now than almost ever. I can so relate to so much of what you wrote, but only if you take out all of the hope that you have included :o(

I will get there...I always do, but boy what a rut I am in right now. They pass, they always do, right? But being 'in it' is such a rotten feeling.

Please know I think about you both often, and I hope that you are feeling better sooner, rather than later ;o)



Larka said...

Wow! I am so humbled and touched by your post. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I have been thinking lately that so many people just share the hi-lite reel of their life which makes others keep all of the non-glamourous parts to themselves. Struggling alone makes it feel so much heavier and shame and guilt grow like mold.
I found your blog through friends and have been following it and have told others of your stories. That is one of the hardest things for me, how can the God who loves us so passionately not take away such hard things when we know he has the power to? I always come back to where you are, trusting in the Lord beyond all our understanding, just coming close for comfort.
I wish a lot of things for your future and pray about how I would write the story but keep looking at your blog to see how God is writing it out, little by little. Way to bring your heart to the table. You have endured well, you have loved well, you have sacrificed well.

pajrnjam said...

Katie -you & Ben are always in my prayers. I wish we could see the future and know that our dreams come true but we can't. What I do know is that God is our future and He has big plans for us, they are not always what WE thought would happen or even what we thought we would want! 3 years ago today is the due date for the baby I lost. At the time, and for much after, I couldn't accept or understand why this happened. What I know now is that we feel SO blessed to have had another child be given to us, I think we are better parents in many ways BECAUSE we suffered a loss. It's always said that thru struggle & pain comes growth & awareness, I just pray and wish with all my heart that your struggles, that Ben's struggles will lift. Your lives have touched SO MANY people! Your awesome faith in God and true testament has strengthened other believers and has probably helped non-believers come closer to Christ! I thank you for sharing all that you are with us. I love ya Katie girl and we need to get together soon!!!
Love to you both always-Patty

The Graybeals said...

Thanks for sharing with such honesty! God is working in your lives...more than you know!

Radiant Readhead said...

VERY powerful post! I have recently been struggling myself with so much internally. I lost my daughter last april, and have had the same questions you posed: If God can handle all things, WHY did this have to happen to me!?!? WHAT is it HE is trying to make me learn. We are now pregnant again, and ithas been the BIGGEST challenge so far. To just TRUST that everything will be ok. This could potentially end the same devestating way, but i HOPE it doesn' is all in HIS hands, no matter how closely the docs watch me. I LOVE the last quote!!

Melissa said...

Katie, thank you for being so open and honest. You have really given us insight to your life. So many things happen in life, and the only thing we can think is why, why me? You and Ben are so strong and such a motivation for us all. Thank you again for giving us a glimpse into your heart. You may not know it, but you inspire others everyday with your faith and love for God and your husband! Keep your head up and remember everything the two of you have accomplished so far!

B. Wilson said...

I'm struggling, too.

My husband and I had a talk last night about prayer. Are we praying wrong? What should we be praying for?

When something so monumental happens that changes your life, it's hard to see past the disappointments. I suppose we should and can just be thankful for what we DO have still.

I have no answers. I wish God would personally come talk to me about some things because it's still pretty hard for me as well.

Marcie said...

Thinking of yall! I know how it feels to be dissappointed and frustrated that God just doesn't fly in and make things alright. Just know that you are never alone, we all have our days of struggling to find something positive. I think that yall are surely inspirations to people all over that read your story.
Hoping that things keep improving and that this too shall pass.

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

I so appreciate your humble transparency. Thanks for sharing from the heart.

I, too, have had a VERY disappointing last couple of years ... but the past 8 months have been devastating.

Hopes, dreams, goals ... dashed ... gone ...

There are days that I have hope ... but other days that I just want to get in my car and drive off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

Praying for you!


Caroline said...

I just want to give you a hug. It is hard to not be disappointed in things - in the hand you were dealt and the way people react (or don't react for that matter).

Keep on keepin' on hun. . . sometimes that's all you can do

-Lauren said...

Your strength and faith is inspiring. Everytime I read one of your posts it renews my faith. Your posts truly touch others. You and Ben are in my prayers. Xo

Anonymous said...

My Computer is acting least, I don't understand it. So if this comment is to a different post, please forgive me. I have a magnet that says "When you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot, hang on, and swing." I love it. I am learning that disapointment often comes when I don't remember Father gives us all things, and to look for the gift inside of them. Sometimes the wrapping if the gift is kind of...uh...very mysterious. You are doing well with learning to unwrap the gifts Father has given you. I can see you are learning tosee things as Father sees them, NOT as they appear on the outside. Father holds you in the palm of His hand. Rest in that. A thought, Father planned your days before there was yet one of them. For me, That means even the days things don't go as I planned. When you get on the other side of all this you will be amazed at what Father has done. I love you, Marion