Wednesday, June 29, 2011

all i know...


"The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him." Ex 15.2

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Ps. 46.1

Just a quick post tonight and a longer one to follow soon! my friend and Ben's bro and fam were in town over the weekend and last few days and it has been busy but so fun!
Tonight Ben was in bed coughing a bit so I went in to check on him and after asking him if he was ok I found myself in tears and just saying I was sorry this happened to him (and me), it wasn't fair and that I was trying to be strong! Trying, Trying, Trying. Ben said he loved me and agreed with me that yes, it wasn't fair. It is just plain HARD and really it just plain SUCKS!
All I could do while I was scrunched next to him and crying was to tell him that all I knew how to do was love him. I said this over and over again...all I know how to do is love you!
I go back to that email that was sent to me by a friend about a month ago..."what choice do you have, right? This is your life right now, and you're living it!"
This is our life right now and we are living it but it is hard and it sucks! Why we are still living it, at most times I don't know!? What more is there to learn...def not patience and flexability because I have that down pat! Not how much I love my man because I have that down too!
I just miss my man, I want him back 100% and I want him back NOW! I don’t pretend to be happy but some days I feel like I have to. I want normal back even if this is our new normal. Jesus, please!
This journey that God has chosen for us is not what I would have chosen at all but we are here and this is life. I choose to follow Jesus' pplan even if I don't agree with it or the timing of it all. By being obedient it doesn't take away the pain, sorrow, grieving, lonliness, uncantering hardness and so many other things that I am to tired to list!
One thing is for sure is that I know how to love my man Ben! I love him with my whole heart, mind and body!

All I know how to do is love you.
All I know how to do is love you.
All I know how to do is love you...Benjamin Rye!

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

My Dear Katie, I don't pretend to know what you feel, or that I know what to say. I do know (as do you) that Father chose this for you, and He only chooses the best. Sometimes trusting that from Him is hard, BUT IT IS ALWAYS true. I love you and will trust Father to give you the peace that passes ALL understanding. Hugs, Marion

chambanachik said...

You are so blessed that you two have such a sweet, strong love. I think the best part about your story is that you are honest about these kinds of days, that life can make you weary but you keep pressing on. There is nothing inspiring about a story without hardship- it's not much of a story at all. I have confidence that God is writing the most amazing story for you and Ben, and though it may be all you can do to get through some days, the bigger picture will be beautiful.

thechattymommy said...

What an honest post!
We will pray and now know what how to pray for you.
Thanks for sharing.

Rachel said...

Lovely and beautiful and heartfelt post. I am truly sorry about how hard life is. Truly.

Continuing to pray for you and for healing and for the strength that only can come from the Lord.

Carol Steward said...

Oh Katie your posts make my eyes leak but that is okay. I feel like I know you both and I do in God's eyes. Keep loving that man forever and ever. God Bless you both.

Theresa said...

You are a blessing to others through all this. Your love for each other is a beautiful example for all to see. Keep trusting that God will work this too out for your good and His glory (Romans 8:28). Keep fighting the good fight, sister. You are shining Christ's light to all those around you!

Morgan said...

I think God's purpose is for Ben and yourself to be an example. One of how to follow Christ no matter what. One to show how to be thankful even in the dark times.
You and Ben are such an inspiration to so many people in so many different ways.

So yes His purpose is to set an example of a strong Christ loving couple.

Lynnae said...

You are right to feel sad about it all. There must be times when you miss the old Ben so much, and progress is so slow. But there is progress. You are very brave and true to stand by him and help him work for his progress. I hope God and the scriptures strengthen you for touch days like this, but you wouldn't be a human woman if you didn't feel this way sometimes.
I imagine that the same thing you are saying over and over to Ben is what God is saying over and over to you. He loves you.
And through you he is also saying it to Ben. Blessings, and have a good day.

Emily said...

I really can't imagine what you go through every day. It would suck! Cry it out though. I'll keep praying for you!

navywifechronicles said...

{{{{Big giant hugs from California times four!}}}}

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for and by all means, wallow in the cr@ppy days. Haven't figured out why we need them yet but they're there. Know that He will guide you through them and all of us are there for you and praying for you both.

The pictures and videos you post are amazing! Each time you upload a pic of Ben, he looks a little different from the last, more healing, more determination, more love for you. I wish you could see my son's look when he sees how far Ben has come; I know M draws strength from his progress and sees first-hand that anything is possible.

Miss you! Lots of love from the T's!

Allie said...

I know life can be exhausting and weary, but you two have such a strong love that will survive it all. This too shall pass. You both will continue to heal and Ben will get there. He is such a hard worker and with a wonderful woman like you by his side it makes all the difference in the world. You two are always in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing! I know there are times you don't feel that way, but you both are. You hit the nail on the head when you said you want things to be back to normal and this is now the new normal. It is hard, but reflect back on how far you have come. Hugs! I have traveled a down the road with my husband and injuries, (nothing to your extent) but it has been full of obstacles and hurdles and impatience. We hang onto each other and try to find a way to enjoy the roller coaster. Sometimes we even get crazy and put our hands up in the air. :) Hope I made you smile! Have a blessed day! Dani

Big Fat Mama! said...

I am so so sorry Katie. I can't imagine your pain, so I will lift up your pain to the Lord - the only one who can understand.

Amanda said...

I think it's ok to be sad & say it SUCKS sometimes! I think those are the moments God is saying " I know I gave you hard, now what are you going to do?" Your attitude is so amazing & right- Pray , "Dear Jesus, if it's your will I want my man back whole & healthy!" That's all we can do is pray & that is all he asks when we are struggling. Hang in there you are doing great!

Ashley Cody said...

This post is so incredibly honest and I commend you for being so open with us about your journey. I know so many people tell you this but stay strong and keep your head up! You are doing what so many others probably wouldn't do or would have given up so long ago. It's okay to not be happy all the time with the cards that you were dealt!! Some days it just doesn't seem fair while other days it makes perfect sense, maybe today is just one of those day where it just totally sucks!! Hang in there and we are all praying for you (which I hope helps a little bit each day). Your dedication to Ben is so incredibly inspiring and I am so incredibly humbled that you have allowed us on this journey with you!! You're doing a WONDERFUL job!!

Tim Mossholder said...

Katy...it felt as if I were reading a Psalm when I read your words. So heartfelt and real, unedited and raw, yet filled with love and a commitment to God and Ben. I think that's just the way Jesus wants us all the time. Thanks for reminding me.

Big Fat Mama! said...

Hi Katie - I'm not sure if you've mentioned what Ben's coughing is related to, but I wanted to just put it out there that it may be allergies? My daughter was coughing for almost 2 weeks straight and only at night, and it turned out to be allergies. She is on Zyrtec and Singular now and the coughing has stopped. Just thought I'd mention this along...

paula roemer said...

I don't know what to say . It made me so sad to feel your pain . I guess at this time you have to depend on your readers to help you through this by praying to Jesus . I will pray fog you both tonight . God bless
Paula

The Dadej Family said...

Girl, you and your man are my prayers. I love the love you have for each other. I am so blessed by your unwavering trust in our mighty God. I wish I could bless you guys right back- lifting you up in my prayers.
Hugs.

Diane P said...

Hi Katie and Ben,
I took care of my husband when he had cancer and I would go through the same emotions. God's Grace is sufficient. He gives us Grace each day to do what is set before us. Each day is a new day. Our life is not our own, In Him we live and move and have our being. I pray The Lord would strengthen you and Ben to keep your eyes on Him who is the author and finisher of our faith. Looking at this new photo of you and Ben, Look at where The Lord has brought Ben, Ben looks good, we get impatient but God is always right on time. We get tired and weary but The Lord has you. Praise The Lord for His Goodness. You are in my prayers.

jenn said...

You two are so strong... I don't know how you do it! By the grace of our God, he gives you that strength. Prayers for continued healing (of course!), and prayers for some times of JOY headed your way. Hopefully you had some of that this weekend too :) Hugs from the other side of the mountains.

A. Bailey said...

It is so hard to wait for what we really want but I know your husband will get back to the place he was. He will be 100% what he was before the accident. I know it will happen for you, either here in time or in the next life for eternity. Let the faith of others buoy you up. There are so many prayers going to God on your behalf. He hears us all and will answer us in in time and eternity. God bless you for living your life and being an inspiration to us all, even on days that totally suck.

Live Joyful said...

I think about you two and pray for you two often.
Praying for renewed spirit and strength to get through the difficult days that aren't easy or fun.
Loved the picture of you two.