Wednesday, April 6, 2011

peek into my heart-just being real...

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Ex 14:14

The last few weeks have been hard for me and emotional at times. I don’t like being emotional but I cannot help it! Even though I am super excited about going home to WA thoughts and emotions fill my head and heart! I find it hard to go to bed at night because it is another night that I don’t get to sleep next to my man. It is another night of being alone. Another night of not being able to talk to him before we kiss each other and then roll over and go to sleep. Another morning of waking up without him there or him waking me up to say goodbye and he is going to work! I don’t like where we are at in life right now! There are days when I don’t want to do this anymore! I want and will be with my man but I want to pack us up, move to HI and forget about everything! I just don’t want to do it! I don’t like the words baby, wedding, bed time, date, running, vacations, shopping and so many other words. I struggle with jealousy, pain, remorse, fear, guilt. Where we are at is very much far away from where we ever thought we would be. I am ok with this but it seems like it has gone on forever and I am just ready to have things go smoothly and normal again! It feels like we are just stuck in a rut, in the mud and not moving forward. We are (because we are going home) but it doesn’t seem to be fast enough! Another big struggle is that Ben works SO hard every single day and in his recovery makes tiny lil gains. It’s as if he is in the thick mud just trudging through…this kills me! If you saw the determination in his eyes when he is in his therapies and his will to get better you would understand. To see my man have this heart and not get what he wants it just tears me apart! There are times when I look in the mirror and wonder, “who am I?” “Who have I become?” “What is really going on with me?” “Have a changed?” I have changed, because that is what we do in life! If I think I can be the same as I was the day before I am wrong! Things have changed, circumstances have changed, Ben has changed but God has not and He has changed us! I cried to Ben this morning and said how sorry I was that this happened to him and that I don’t know why and that he didn’t deserve it. He said he will love me forever and will work hard at getting even better! Love those words and his determination but also at the same time I needed him to give me a hug and let me know it was going to be ok! I told him that I am trying to be strong for both of us and that I am trying to make the right decisions, follow the right path and seek the Lord….

I have heard a song (No Matter What) a few times and although it is not my favorite tune I have loved the words….
I'm running back to your promises one more time,
Lord that's all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise,
But nothing surprises you. Before heartache can ever touch my life,
It has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why,
I keep asking why,

No matter what, I'm gonna love You,
No matter what I'm gonna need You,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,
I'll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself,
I'm just sitting in silence, there's no way I can make it without Your help,
I won’t even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything,
So I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling,
God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I'm gonna love You,
No matter what I'm gonna need You,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,
I'll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don't have You can give it to me,
But it's ok if You don't, I'm not here for those things,
The touch of Your love is enough on its own,
No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You

The words of this song kind of nail my emotions right on the head! When I get in these places all I can do is hold on to His promises for us! He loves us, He will never leave us or forsake us, He has a future and a HOPE for us, He is in control, He will comfort, He will provide….the list goes on! Nothing surprises the Lord and all heartache has to go through His hands for Him to sift through it and gently hand it to us but at the same time be right there with us. In amongst all these feeling and emotions the only thing I know how to do is run right back to Jesus. Sometimes I just wallow in my emotions, questions and fears and even if it is not my first step I always find myself running back to Him. I have to believe that this is not the end. This is not where Jesus will leave us. It is not all that He has for us. We want/need so much more! When I find myself there I do find myself saying, No matter what, I'm gonna love You, no matter what I'm gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I'll trust you, no matter what.

A few scriptures that have helped me though this “phase.” (I will keep them handy because I am sure I will be back here and need them again…

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Tim 1:7
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1
"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Deut.7:9
" I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." Jeremiah 31:3
" And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1,2

Sayings of Ben –
While watching TV the other afternoon Ben said, “hey, do you need some of that?” M-“need some of what babes?” B-“some of that shampoo on TV, they say it is good because they said it has protein in it!” Little did he know I had not washed my hair that day!

Last night we were watching Wheel of Fortune and another commercial came on but this time for Aveeno face lotion that firms the face! Ben nudged me and he said, “do you need some of that?” I told him, “no, I use Oil of Olay!” B-“oh, k, good!”
Seriously what is he thinking??!! I had to laugh, he is just making sure I have the right products!

{after 20 min on the treadmill at a 2.8 he came back dripping sweat and this was his tired face!}

{our new trick to help keep ben's mouth closed-tongue blade!}


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are so strong and even when you think everything is falling always suprise me with your strength. This isn't what you and Ben planned but God did. When you don't know where it's leading too, REMEMBER God does.

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Thanks for your honesty and transparency.

While I am sorry for the pain you are going through, I appreciate the song and the scriptures that you shared. I, too, seem to be stuck in a very hard place, and these ministered to me. Thanks.

Hoping that your week gets better, and that the Lord brings some sunshine into your days.


Anonymous said...

Hi Katie,
You don't know me but I check back on your blog often and keep up with Ben and YOUR status. This post makes my heart hurt. I read it, clicked out of it, did some things around the house, then found myself coming back to it as I could'nt get it off my mind. No one can understand just exactly what you're going through and I know that must be so hard. You are such an inspiration to wifes like me. I can't imagine the heartache you are going through or how you are so strong for the both of you. But I can tell you that I can only hope to be like you during trials of my life.
It's okay to cry and have bad days and feel the way you do. It's so amazing to see how God brings you right back to His arms during these times. One day, you will look back and be able to pat yourself on the back for being such a wonderful wife and child of God during such a storm.
Now take a deep breath, wipe your tears, look back in the mirror and smile at yourself. Be confident that you are where you are because it's part of HIS plan.
Praying for you and Ben.

Elizabeth said...

Awww hun! I can't imagine how you are feeling! I'm so sorry this has happened to you and Ben. I don't know why bad things happen to such GOOD people. Just know, that I pray for you two every night. I pray that God gives you strength and I pray that Ben has a fast recovery. Just know, there are many people cheering Ben on and praying for you two! xoxo

Donna said...

Thank you for being real. I read through your post nodding my head in agreement, with tears running down my face. You said it all so well. I'm so sorry for your pain, and the changes you didn't ask for and don't deserve. But on the other hand, I am so glad I am not alone in these feelings.

(I've commented before, but to remind you, my husband was also in a car accident, though only a very minor head injury, he broke so much of his body that he is permanently disabled.) Someone from your church (????I think????) who I only know online sent me to your blog.

Anonymous said...

Tongue blade, I wonder where to get one of those, it might keep me from chattering so much. :) Katie, read Isaiah 40:1-6. Jesus was discouraged. If He can be discouraged, I think it's alright for you to be. Like He did, you turn your heart and mind toward Father, and say not my will but Yours be done. I love you, Marion

Theresa said...

(((Hugs))) Keep clinging to God's promises. His love is unchanging.

Delaney said...

I love his sayings, that puts a smile on my face. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am so encouraged by your story and your love for Jesus. I bet it is so hard at times and it is ok to feel how you feel sometimes!

Praying for you

Caroline said...

Katie you are amazing. I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster you have been on. And I wish more than anything you could have everything back to normal and back to the way you want. But I am certain that you are Ben have a bigger "mission" (for lack of a better word) in life and that it's not just one to each other, but you two are clearly special people, chosen to walk this journey and in the process uplift, inspire and change the lives of SO many. It's an amazing thing. And although I'm sure it feels like such a heavy burden at times and it's not fair, it is a compliment to both of your characters. I'm so thankful to have you in my life -to continue to remind me of all I have to be thankful for and Ben does the same and I have yet to even meet him!


Emily said...

I can't even tell you how much this spoke to me. I'm dealing with my own issues and struggling to let God do His thing and not worry, fret, stress or be jealous of all everyone around me who have what I want.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and how it feels like it will never end. My little problems pail in comparison with what you're facing but I hope and pray we can seek Him when we're feeling our most down. And know we have people around us who are there to support and love on us when we need it most. He has us in His hands.

Diane P said...

One Thing I know is that God will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrew 13:5) It is His promises we cling to. I am very thankful for the scriptures that keep us looking to Him as the Author and finisher of our faith. (Hebrew 12:2) Bless you and Ben today.

Jen said...

Oh, Katie. I don't even know what to say. You are a tough little lady, you really are! You are clearly so frustrated and want the best for Ben...It must be so difficult to go through this valley, but yes, I think it's good to remember that God is still there. *big hugs* to you.

Shelley M. said...

Katie it so awesome that you are real with us in what you are feeling and going through. Every time you share you are exposing the stuff to light. I believe that releases the power of God and weakens the enemy. It allows us to know how to pray for you and Ben!

Praying continually for you and Ben!

Love ya,

Joyful*Tears said...

You are a beautiful woman; faithful woman of God. You are only human to feel anger, sadness, jealousy, despair, fear, doubt. However, remember that Jesus has taken all of your physical, emotional and spiritual hurt and difficulties, and nailed them to the cross! He carried the cross with you in min, so that you may be freed and receive God's intimate love! Jesus has conquered all of your hurtful pain, and desires nothing more than to free you, so that His loving grace may flood, cleanse, heal and fill the deepest parts of your heart.

Unfortunately we will not know why this has happened, and no one, you, Ben or God has planned for something tragic like this happen. However, the power of God lies in how He can make a difficult situation into a good and fruitful one. He is the Lord of the impossible, and we cannot lean on our own understanding, but trust and know that He is at work! The Lord knows your heart is aching, and He aches with you! But He is right there to carry your burden, so that your heart may freely live in love.

I give God so much praise that He has given this world a beautiful woman of faith such as you. You share the light of His love to all you encounter. You are a beautiful wife, daughter, woman, and child of God. In times of great struggle, look at the cross, where Jesus' arms are stretched wide open so that you can rest in His hands. Know that Jesus is your strength, and will never forsake you.

God bless you and Ben! May our blessed mother, Mary, open her loving and tender arms to you, and shelter you from hurtful lies and evil thoughts. God is love, and His kingdom reigns forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Leanne said...

This made me cry, Katie. Thank you for once again sharing so honestly. Your last verse from Isaiah remminded me of the great Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, how they emerged from the fire not only not burned, but not even smelling of smoke! I believe this to be true for you, too. You may feel the heat of the flame against your face right now, but those of us on the outside can say with great assurance that you have NO scent of smoke on you! Our God is trustworthy, Katie. Hang on.

Freedomtrain Ministries said...

Katie, thanks for being real. It gives us all permission to be real when faced with uncertainties. You are a strong warrior - REAL MEN and WOMEN DO CRY! Blessings and hugs coming your way.

Anonymous said...

Katie, Im sure you don't remember me but I was at Fort Benning at the same time you were, I saw you a couple of times in the RGR FRG meetings but I don't believe we ever spoke. I remember hearing about the accident, I couldn't believe it. I just recently found your blog and I check it every single day, to see your strength through such trying times really encourages me to step up my faithfulness in God. I just absolutely love your optimisim and your love for God as well as Ben, to see such true love is so inspiring. My husband and I are praying for you two. I just can't express enough how amazing it is to see your strength and determination. Ben is doing so amazingly well I find myself getting excited right along with when he reaches a new milestone. Your message is so uplifting keep up your faith and know that not only are you a wonderful wife but you are also reaching so many lives with your story and this blog! God Bless you both! RLTW

Chelsea said...

I love hearing your heart.

AV5848 said...

Katie, I read your blog all the time and have you and Ben in my prayers. Thank you for opening up to us. There is nothing wrong with speaking your heart, and in the end you keep coming back to Christ. I've said this before, but I really do enjoy Ben's sayings.

Chrissy @ Boerman Ramblings said...

Katie you are an amazing person. God has so many great plans for the two of you. I so love that song too. It's my go to song. Keep it up girl

Anonymous said...

I think you are doing a great job. I found your blog at random and I find myself making sure I read it weekly. I love how you share your faith mixed with Ben's progress too. You are remarkable. Your strength is amazing and you are such a beautiful person inside and out. Don't lose hope and never cease praying. When you see people and think they have it all, people really don't. It took me a looonnngg time to realize people have all sorts of problems you just can't see on the surface. I have a video link I hope will make you feel better:) Will be praying for you & Ben:) Hope you can get it:)

Paige's Petals said...

Katie, I happened upon your blog and stopped to read. When I read your struggles, particularly your emotions, I just nod my head in agreement. In October this last year my husband of 26 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer stage IV after surviving esophageal cancer stage 1 in 2008. Our journeys are similar and painful. I will be praying for both of you and God's miracle of healing. John 13:7 is my scripture that has been my life verse since 2008. "Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

Paige Easterling