I must say that I had a lovely birthday and an amazing time with my family. I can also so that it was very emotional for me thoughout the whole day. I missed Ben that day. He was with me all day but I just missed him. I missed the fact that he couldn't celebrate with me like he wanted to. I missed the fact that he couldn't go shopping for me on his own, even if it was online like in the past (not that I needed the gift) I missed my Ben being able to participate with everyone and just move around and do what he wanted to do. Ben mentioned it throughout the day. He was bummed, I was bummed.
Birthdays and holiday are SO hard. We are so happy to be home but it doesn't take away the pain that is still there, the worry, the realness of our situation, the devestation that we have lived through, the tears...it is SO hard.
Ben and I were sitting on the couch earlier tonight and out of the blue he said, "I don't know how much longer I can do this...I just want to walk on my own with no assistance!" It broke my heart just a lil more then what it already was. I asked him what he was going to do about it and his response was, "just keep going..." We were able to talk about it a bit. I couldn't help but think about the times when I have been in his place many many days/months...just didn't know how much more I could go. I have been able to verbalize it to Ben but not once has Ben said it aloud to me.
It's about trusting and continuing to put one foot in front of the other even if it feels like were trudging through the mud! With the Lord and each other we will get there and through this. It takes me back to the saying, "keep calm and the Lord will fight for you!" There is so much truth in this but sometimes it is hard to believe when we haven't seen what we want done. But am I trusting the miracle or the Miracle Worker? Is my trust in the healing or the Healer? Do I really believe that the Lord will fight for me if I just remain calm in His presence. I do, but I have to do my part and remain calm! That is the hard part and I fight that because I want to be in control. The big "I" gets in the way....darn me. This doesn't mean that I don't stop beind Ben's wife, lover, advocate and caregiver but it does mean that I have to take the back seat to the HEALER and calm my heart and mind. He is in control, not me. Hard yes, but I will keep trying and trusting in the fact that God will fight for Ben and I.
Please pray that Ben be encouraged. He is so frustrated in the fact that he cannot function and most of all not walk. He doesn't want to walk with any kind of assistance...he wants to walk on his own! I have asked him what he wants for Christmas and he says, "I don't want anything, I just want to be healed and be able to walk!" This is his Christmas dream/wish! It isn't a matter of his mind or brain, it is the physical aspect that he is yearning for...he so desperately needs it and wants it. Please continue to pray for him.
I will say that even though Ben doesn't really ever talk about his mind/cognitive issues I have seen great changes! His response time to questions, hellos, jokes, teasing and such is so much faster. Even tonight when a friend came over he kept piping in on our conversation. When I asked him about it while we were talking he said, "what, I was just listening to you guys talk." He has done it minimally before but not to this degree at all. Ususally we have to ask him questions to get him to join in but tonight he was the chatter man! I loved this so much and it warmed my heart! It showed me that there God was, still fighting for us whether we remained calm or not! Thank you Jesus!
On a lighter note...Christmas decor is up...or as much as is going to go up!
Monday Ben's therapies all got switched around so instead of having two therapies that day he didn't have any. He got a break and I got to deep clean!
One room needed it most and that was our dump room, that's what I call it anyways! I think I did a pretty good job...for now!
I also finished up some Christmas deoor and I am done...I think!
{thank you marian for our new ornaments! we love them!}
As you remember to pray for Ben I have another prayer request for all you diligent prayer warriors. There is a family here in our town that is in need of prayer for their unborn baby girl. I don't know that family but alot of my facebook friends do and have posted their blog link and news link on FB. Their lil Anna Joy is to be induced tomorrow and she has been diagnosed with 2 very serious heart defects. They do not know how long or if she will make it. Please be praying for the whole family as they walk through this trying journey. If you would like to catch up on their story you can go to their blog HERE! They just updated their blog with specific prayer requests for their whole family and sweet baby!
7 comments:
Thanks for the re-post of the Peppley's web site. This is one sweet family.
I rejoice at your notes about Ben's progress! It's so cool to see God alive and working in Ben's body.
Each day as I walk to work I pray for you and Ben. You have blessed me in so many ways. I appreciate how you honor the Father, your husband and your marriage. I have a prayer I often say when things are not understood by me, "Lord, show me your will and make me willing." I will continue to pray for you, your sweet spirit and your sweet Ben!
Katie! I am delighted you liked the ornaments. :) These past two weeks have been extremely stretching for me. I have needed to "Get OUT of Father's Way and let Him deal with my loved one." I waanted to do this, but truly, didn't know how. My small group meets on Tuesday night. We talk about Pastor's sermon from Sunday. The last bit said was, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". I just stared at the leader, then said that's it. That's how I stay out of the way. Staying in Bible Study, just reading the Word, listening to Christian music, TALKING to Father about everything, that was the answer. You know all this. You have said it in different ways many times. I know to do these things, too. Just at that moment, it was such a revelation to my situation. I love you and continue to trust Father for you and Ben. Marion Oh, your house looks very nice. This is the first year we don't have our decorations up yet. Usually it's the day after Thanksgiving. Guess What I'll be doing today...first my Bible Study, THEN our Christmas decorations. :)
I will pray for him to be encouraged to keep fighting. I will admit that the hardest part is being calm and waiting!
Praying for the family of that baby girl.
Katie, I think I am my own worst where my Phil is concerned--I keep getting so frustrated and i hate this cancer so much. Everytime time we take oe step forward, we take 12 steps back and I cry. Phil is so much stronger, in every way, than I am. i want to be strong.
As always, you inspire me to keep my faith and keep my chin up.
Keeping Ben and you in prayer.
Blessings, Mari
Daily prayers for you and Ben! I love reading your updates and always in aww of your strength and determination. Ben has come such a long way he will reach that goal of walking un-assisted. You are both strong individuals!
Katie : )
Thanks for sharing the info about Anna Joy. Will be praying for her and you guys as always. And your decor looks awesome! Come decorate my house!
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