five years. wow. some days i feel like it all just started yesterday and other days it feels forever.
as i type this (wednesday evening) ben looked over at me and said, "im so sorry. i hate this and that you have had to live like this and walk through this with me." my reply, "i hate this for both of us but i am happy to walk with you through this. you amaze me and you are doing such an awesome job and working hard." ben, "i still hate this and am sad about the whole thing."
hard for a wife to hear from the man she loves with her whole heart but at the same time his brain still thinks about me and still cares for how i feel. ben has not stopping moving forward, he is still determined, motivated and strong as all get out. (insert ben just leaned over and said i was his angel)
life has thrown hardships at him and he says it is the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. coming from a man who served 13 years in the military, deployed 6 times, climbed mt rainier 3, passed many selective schools and has put up with me...and this is his hardest task at hand. his physical and mental abilities were stripped from him and he has had to work for every piece that he has back. yes, hardest thing for sure...strongest man ever!
this past year has been full of fun and hardships at the same time. we have had ups and downs. blessings and hardships. sorrows and joys. answers and no answers. lots has happened.
one of the hardest things we have been dealing with is on the mental side is bens anger and frustration about where he is in life. if he wasn't able to remember who he was, what he has accomplished, what he is capable of and all that he could do physically it wouldn't be an issue but he does. he knows, he gets it, he remembers. so to him it makes it ever harder! he gets super frustrated at sport events, hanging out with family, any sport or experience he gets to do...because either he cannot do it or he cannot do it in the way he knows he used to. he's tired of it, he's angry about it and sometimes shows it. he just gets mad. its ok. he needs to. its the way he gets it out. please pray for this frustration. pray for his heart. pray for his healing. this is a journey he is on. we have and are learning to cope with it and how to handle it in the different situations. i am learning patience and how to let him have his space but also how to re-route things and walk him through it. bens learning to work it out, how to communicate how he's feeling and not so much act what he's feeling. its a journey that im sure we will be walking through for a long time...
the biggest blessing and miracle that has happened in this year is a lil baby on his way. we didn't know if this would happen but God has definitely blessed us with this miracle! ben is super excited. he has been mentioning the last few days at least every day that he cannot wait for him to get here. he has his recliner set up and said his job will be to hold him and sleep! ha, he's in for a surprise when i hand him this baby with a dirty diaper, when its screaming his head off or needs a bottle. i am sure he will be happy to do it! this baby will not take away the brain injury or what we still need to walk through but i believe this lil baby will give us both a new sense of hope, something to take our eyes off of whats been the focus for the past five years. it will be hard. there will be ups and downs. im sure there will be tears...but God will equip us and keep us strong in our weakest points!
i came across this quote awhile ago and it hits my heart in a very real way. it doesn't end. it finds new ways of coping, new ways of living. new ways of dreaming. grief can bring a lot of new but it still brings the heartache. ben and i don't feel weak or faithless when we grieve what happened, what is not going to be, or that what has happened to us just is not fair. it is still grief. there are many things along the way that we will have to grieve through, it doesn't end, we have to continually walk through it with every situation life brings. i wish we and others didn't have to grieve but its life. God doesn't want us to grieve but he created us, emotions and all. i believe its what we do with our grief. sit and around and think on it always, do nothing, get mad, bitter...so many of these (and more) that ben and i have walked through and experienced. we have to still walk through them, process as well. but we don't stay there. ok some things longer then others but we eventually work through it together and with the Lord. we grieve and we love. i love ben more then ever and him the same. slightly different kind of love being the situation were in but its an amazing love...
i know we haven't been the best at updating this past year (ok or two-ish) but we know that y'all still pray for us and are supporting us along the way. thank you for that. it is a blessing. we truly do appreciate it. we are anxious to share this next exciting journey with you in bringing this miracle baby into the world! around 3 weeks left and our lives again will change forever! we will definitely let you know when the big day comes!
we contine to hope on. we continue to believe. we continue to trust that God is still healing...
"truly He is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken!" Psalm 62:6