Wednesday, August 27, 2014

fifth year...



five years. wow. some days i feel like it all just started yesterday and other days it feels forever.

as i type this (wednesday evening) ben looked over at me and said, "im so sorry. i hate this and that you have had to live like this and walk through this with me." my reply, "i hate this for both of us but i am happy to walk with you through this. you amaze me and you are doing such an awesome job and working hard." ben, "i still hate this and am sad about the whole thing."

hard for a wife to hear from the man she loves with her whole heart but at the same time his brain still thinks about me and still cares for how i feel. ben has not stopping moving forward, he is still determined, motivated and strong as all get out. (insert ben just leaned over and said i was his angel)
life has thrown hardships at him and he says it is the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. coming from a man who served 13 years in the military, deployed 6 times, climbed mt rainier 3, passed many selective schools and has put up with me...and this is his hardest task at hand. his physical and mental abilities were stripped from him and he has had to work for every piece that he has back. yes, hardest thing for sure...strongest man ever! 

this past year has been full of fun and hardships at the same time. we have had ups and downs. blessings and hardships. sorrows and joys. answers and no answers. lots has happened. 

one of the hardest things we have been dealing with is on the mental side is bens anger and frustration about where he is in life. if he wasn't able to remember who he was, what he has accomplished, what he is capable of and all that he could do physically it wouldn't be an issue but he does. he knows, he gets it, he remembers. so to him it makes it ever harder! he gets super frustrated at sport events, hanging out with family, any sport or experience he gets to do...because either he cannot do it or he cannot do it in the way he knows he used to. he's tired of it, he's angry about it and sometimes shows it. he just gets mad. its ok. he needs to. its the way he gets it out. please pray for this frustration. pray for his heart. pray for his healing. this is a journey he is on. we have and are learning to cope with it and how to handle it in the different situations. i am learning patience and how to let him have his space but also how to re-route things and walk him through it. bens learning to work it out, how to communicate how he's feeling and not so much act what he's feeling. its a journey that im sure we will be walking through for a long time...

the biggest blessing and miracle that has happened in this year is a lil baby on his way. we didn't know if this would happen but God has definitely blessed us with this miracle! ben is super excited. he has been mentioning the last few days at least every day that he cannot wait for him to get here. he has his recliner set up and said his job will be to hold him and sleep! ha, he's in for a surprise when i hand him this baby with a dirty diaper, when its screaming his head off or needs a bottle. i am sure he will be happy to do it! this baby will not take away the brain injury or what we still need to walk through but i believe this lil baby will give us both a new sense of hope, something to take our eyes off of whats been the focus for the past five years. it will be hard. there will be ups and downs. im sure there will be tears...but God will equip us and keep us strong in our weakest points! 



i came across this quote awhile ago and it hits my heart in a very real way. it doesn't end. it finds new ways of coping, new ways of living. new ways of dreaming. grief can bring a lot of new but it still brings the heartache. ben and i don't feel weak or faithless when we grieve what happened, what is not going to be, or that what has happened to us just is not fair. it is still grief. there are many things along the way that we will have to grieve through, it doesn't end, we have to continually walk through  it with every situation life brings. i wish we and others didn't have to grieve but its life. God doesn't want us to grieve but he created us, emotions and all. i believe its what we do with our grief. sit and around and think on it always, do nothing, get mad, bitter...so many of these (and more) that ben and i have walked through and experienced. we have to still walk through them, process as well. but we don't stay there. ok some things longer then others but we eventually work through it together and with the Lord. we grieve and we love. i love ben more then ever and him the same. slightly different kind of love being the situation were in but its an amazing love...

i know we haven't been the best at updating this past year (ok or two-ish) but we know that y'all still pray for us and are supporting us along the way. thank you for that. it is a blessing. we truly do appreciate it. we are anxious to share this next exciting journey with you in bringing this miracle baby into the world! around 3 weeks left and our lives again will change forever! we will definitely let you know when the big day comes! 

we contine to hope on. we continue to believe. we continue to trust that God is still healing...

"truly He is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken!" Psalm 62:6







15 comments:

Brittney Liann said...

How exciting for you both! It makes my heart glad to know God has blessed you with a sweet baby on the way! Good luck on your journey ahead and God Bless you! :) 3052

molly june. said...

you two. thank you for sharing your heart. your fears. your aches. your hope. i am so thankful to have met you via this ol' blog <3

Sandi said...

What a beautiful post! I think of you both often and pray for you both! Congrats on your new adventure with a baby!!!!

marlece said...

Katie, I am so thrilled for you two and this bundle of JOY here to come. The Lord knew you needed 'another' focus, I'm so glad He blesses where we need blessed. I want to come see the new little one and bring you a meal. Love you Katie, and bless you and Ben's heart.

marlece said...

Katie, I am so thrilled for you two and this bundle of JOY here to come. The Lord knew you needed 'another' focus, I'm so glad He blesses where we need blessed. I want to come see the new little one and bring you a meal. Love you Katie, and bless you and Ben's heart.

Becky L. said...

I like the photo of the two of you at the very beginning. Sweet. Can't wait til baby arrives and hope it goes well for you. Thanks for the update. I appreciate what you said about grief. My mom died July 2. She was 90.5 years old. Not unexpected but still it hurts. Took me a few weeks to come around again. Feel the strength to get through the work day. Three weeks ago I was off 2 days from work and by end of week, I felt so much better, renewed, ready to go at it again. Still have the sad times, heart leaps every time I see her photo in my phone.....thoughts of things she says in my head. God is with us, all the time and He is good for us! So glad that Ben is progressing. Hugs and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Dear Ones, A pleasure to hear from you. I check often and pray each time I check.

You know, a thought comes to me as I read your words. Ben, you are in a unique place to understand how Jesus felt when on the cross. It wasn't fair He was there. He NEVER sinned, yet He bore all our sins. He asked why His Father had forsaken Him. He knew His mother needed care. He looked out for her even in His pain. (You look out for Katie, even in your pain/loss) Before the cross, He asked if there was another way, if Father could/would take this cup from Him. Father said NO. What needed to be accomplished could ONLY be done this way. I don't understand why Father gave this path to you. BUT He does. Yes, you don't have what you had before, BUT you have something you wouldn't have had without it. You are daily unwrapping gifts Father has for you, for you both. Once we are HOME the time spent here won't be anything at all. For you, I am looking forward to see the beautiful....beyond beautiful, tapestries Father has woven of your lives. There will be a grace and JOY for what Father has done.

Jesus understands fully how you feel. I am trusting Him to hold you close to His heart that you might feel His comfort in a special way.

I love you guys,
Marion

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

I know Ben doesn't have a choice to be "brave" as many people have probably told him he has been over these five years. But he is definitely handling this with determination and strength. He has to choose to be strong mentally and physically. It seems like no easy task. I still hate that things like this have to happen to anyone, let alone two really wonderful people.

That grief quote shook me up a bit. I understand and felt those words ring so true for so many wonderful people.

I didn't realize you married such a warrior! Six deployments, 3 hikes up Rainer! Incredible.

Keep on... of course though. I am anxious and excited for what is to come for you two. Hoping for baby time to come very soon!

Brandi said...

Congratulations, so exciting!!!!!! You guys have come so far, awesome!!!

Caroline said...

As always, wishing the very best for your (growing!) family. I empathize with Ben's frustration and just hope his strength and resolve continues to bring him healing.

I cannot wait to see pictures of this babe and the joy he will bring you two

JG said...

I'm so out of the loop! Congratulations to you both! The Lord has done great things!

Anonymous said...

My husband suffered a brain hemmorhage four months ago. He went through two hospital stays and five weeks of resident rehab. He has had infections and reactions to medications. He is not the same but, like Ben, continues to regain what has been lost. During all of this his strongest thing has been the ability to pray. He has gone from a walker to walking with help to walking with a cane to walking on his own (very carefully) He is 81 years old so there are dementia issues as well. I kept up with your blogs for years even before you came back to Olympia. You both have been an inspiration to me over the years and continue. I know first hand that your strength comes from the Lord--- who is loving and sustaining you. And I am absolutely delighted that you are expecting soon! Thanks for sharing. Bless you both!

Anonymous said...

Praise God! You are both a testament to the strength and peace that only GOD provides! Keep on trusting HIM! Can't wait to "meet" the new little one! Praying for you all 3 daily!
Blessings!
friends from PA

Anonymous said...

I've followed your blog for a while now and you guys pop into my head often. I'm sorry for all the frustration Ben has to deal with and will pray for you both.

I think your little guy will be very healing! When we have kids, we naturally start to live through them, to some extent...so even tho Ben can't do all the physical things he wishes he could, he'll be the best and most supportive dad on the sidelines when you're watching your little one! And with the two of you as parents, I imagine he'll be one active little guy:)

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