seasons...

“To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.” G. Santavana

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
A. Bradstreet

“And you would accept the seasons of your heart just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over your fields and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.” K. Gibran

Seasons, we all go through them whether we like them or not. We cannot stop the seasons of fall, winter, spring and summer...that is how our world was created. We also cannot control the seasons that are put in our lives in the physical, spiritual and emotional. We sometimes don't even see them coming! I know that you all know that Ben and I definetly could not see the accident coming in our lives...who would! Who wakes up and says in their mind, "oh I think today is a great day to get in a massive car accident that will change our lives forever and bring us a new season in life!" Ummm, nope never did that! There were of course times when I would speak out my dreams or desires like, "I think we should start trying for a baby" "maybe we should start looking for a house" "how about moving here or going for this job"...these things we can all think about and start to initiate them but we cannot control them. Seasons come and seasons go. Those of you who have been following this blog know what season we are living in the physical relm of things...

I am in a season of trying to get closer to God. I have never given up on Jesus, stopped loving Him or lost hope in who He is to me and to Ben! We still believe, hope, trust, rely and are near Him but for me it has been a struggle to be near Him. What I mean by that is to spend time with Him, worship, pray...

I don't want to be here but I am. Sometimes I think that by taking care of Ben and loving him is how I love God and spend time with Him. God does command us to love God and love people. He commands us to love your neighbor as yourself. He also calls us to love our spouses and respect them. So, I am following Gods commands and His calling right?! Yes I am and I will say that I am doing a good job at it...yes I will admit that and it is hard to do! This is what God has called me to do at this time but that doesn't take away the fact that God has called me to love Him, more then I love Ben and He wants my time too, outside of Ben. I can love God though my man but He wants me...all of me...more then Ben has of me!

God has also called me to love Him with all of my heart, soul and mind! He wants time with me. He wants me in his Word, praying, worshipping and being near to Him. Easy to think about doing but not something that I always sit down and just do! I struggle every day with this. I think about it and sometimes that is where it stops. Yes, sometimes I start singing a worship song, say a quick prayer and so on but that is where again it stops. I am trying to devote my time to Him. Not that it has to be a set time but I yearn to have some time just with my Jesus. Sometimes it works for people to have a designated time, others are random...with our schedule I have to have random times. Like this afternoon when I was helping Ben shower...I just busted out in some worship songs and Ben joined in. Simple yes, I was in the midst of soap suds, razor and shampoo...but it felt so good!

So yes, me being raw and personal...I struggle too. I am strong because God has given me that strength. I am hopeful because God has given me that too...but I am human and sometimes am not strong or hopeful, I have ran out or just choose not to be. In the midst of it I still know who my God is and always go back to Him.
So this season in my life is a tad cloudy, maybe a lil drizzle coming down, slight breeze and a peek of sun that lets me know that a new season is coming!
As I abide in Him, He abides in me!

Am I going to beat myself up over this...of course not. Will I do something about it and make it more of a priority...of course! I want to be open to more of what God has for me. I want my heart to be soft and pliable. I want God to overtake my life!

This is what I strive for...
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully concious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I many know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy an new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long!" Tozer

"A person who is obsessed with Jesus is more concerned with his or her character than comfort. Obsessed people know that true joy doesn't depend on circumstances or enviornment; it is a gift that must be chosen and cultivated, a gift that ultimately comes from God!" James 1:2-4

Hopefully this came out right...it's what has been in my heart and head these past few weeks. May you reap from the season that you are in and get ready for the next!