treadmill machine...

With Me all things are possible. There is nothing to hard for Me. Your times are in My hands. You are My child. You please Me with your faith. Nothing that is good will be witheld from you!

You have seen some of my posts that include Ben working on the treadmill! Well, I looked back at the first time he went on up until this last week and boy oh boy he has come so far!!

Palo Alto VA, CA -
November 3 - 4 minutes
November 18 - 10 minutes

Kessler, NJ
February 2 - 13 minutes.break.10 minutes
February 4 - 17 minutes.break.13 minutes
February 7 - 20 minutes.break.13 minutes

That is 4 minutes to 33 minutes folks!! There was a huge chunk of time in there that he wasn't even on the treadmill...almost a total of two months!

He still has a harness around his waist to help support his upper body (although he is getting much stronger) and they have to make sure his feet don't cross over but the walking is all him! When I get some more photos and footage I will for sure be posting! He is just doing so well and every time he beats his time he says, "oh, that is awesome!"

The weekend was slow, calm, resting, emotional and a loss for the Steelers!
Saturday Ben had therapy in the morning. I think that was the day that he worked on bathtub transfers. He transfered to a shower chair and then put his feet in the tub! They said they barely had to help him at all...just a bit on the transfer! Ben was probably wishing they would fill it up so he could loosen up his muscles...next time! :) The rest of the day was just full of relaxing. It was raining out and Ben said he didn't want to go out in the rain so we stayed at the hospital and snuggled and watched movies! The fire fighters came by and chatted with us for a bit! Ben really likes when they come because they "scuff" each other up! Rangers vs firefighters!
Sunday I was able to go to church again! It felt so good! I got back to Ben who was in the dining area. I got there and I asked him if I was in trouble and he said yes! I asked him why and he said, "you are late!" Ha, he is funny and it was true, I was much later then normal!
Later that day he had an accident and that is where the emotion came in! He was standing at the side of the bed and holding on to the side rail. He does this all the time but this time he started swaying back and forth. I asked him to please stand still but he wouldn't! I didn't want him to fall so I raised my voice at him and asked him a little more harshly to stand still!! He didn't so I just continued on with getting him cleaned up but was brewing inside!
When we were done I lost it! I said sorry over and over and was crying my eyes out! Yes, I am human and we are a married couple but he didn't need that from me!
This is how it went down...
I was crying and saying sorry over and over again! Ben reached for me and said, "don't cry, it is ok, it is not your fault!" I told him it wasn't his fault either. I sat on his lap and when I did he gave me a hug and then rubbed my back. All the while saying, "it is ok, I am here!" I told him I am trying to be a good wife and take care of him. Ben said, "you are a good wife." Me...more tears. Ben then went on to say, "who would have cleaned me up? No one helps clean me like you do." Me=more tears and I told him thank you!
Me- "I am so sorry that this happened to you. I just want you to get better. I just want to go home with you!' Ben looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I will get better." Me- "how do you know?" Ben-"I can feel it!" Me-"I want you to get better so bad!" Ben-"I will get better, just you watch, I will get better! Me-"I love you!" Ben-"I feel loved!" Me-"How?" Ben-"the way you are looking at me know, how you take care of me-you love me!" Me-"yes I do love you, with my whole heart!" Me-"where would I be with out you?" Ben, "not very far!"

So, it was a rough time but it was a good time! The Lord was in that room and right there with us. He knew what Ben needed and he knew what I needed. It was a special time for both of us. I know Ben is fighting to say more and to be there more for me but his body and brain hold him back! How frustrating that must be...I cannot even imagine! I see it but can never know how it feels. I pray for him daily, that Ben break free from the things that are holding him back! He works so hard and gets to move forward but not in the way that he wants to see it.

I gave up asking why months ago but then I moved on to the question of when is it going to end? Another question that I may never have the answer to. I have never shared that question with Ben but in the last few weeks Ben has been saying that he is worried because he doesn't know when this is going to end. Also just asking me when this is going to be done with! I don't have answers for him...the only thing I can do is lead him to scriptures. Not to worry, not to be anxious, God is holding us in His hands, He has a plan for us, His ways are higher then ours and He is able! I ask Ben to say some of them as well and then he seems to be more relaxed.

The rest of Sunday went really well. We went to a pre Super Bowl party at 2pm which had some tasty food! We then went back to Ben's room for snuggles, a movie and a nap! Just what Ben and I needed! I stayed with Ben til about 8:30...way past his bedtime but I just couldn't leave! I wanted to stay with him all night but he said he was not giving me anymore room on the bed...that was not going to work for me!

Today was a great day with his new treadmill time! Ben did really well in this therapies like usual! He did some wii bowling and kept saying BOOOO to the therapist he was playing with when she got spares and strikes! HA...he still has his competative spirit! While he was in therapy this afternoon I ran to the bookstore and got him a big print Bible. He got some money for his birthday and we thought it would be something good to buy! He has no visual issues but sometimes when he reads the words get jumbled so the big print will help! He loves being the man and reading the Bible to me!

Last Friday Ben made me a salad...



...it was AMAZING!!!

Saying of Ben...
Earlier today Ben was smacking and licking his lips! Thinking they may be dry I asked him if he needed chapstick. He said, "yes, but I was getting my lips ready for kisses!" He of course got some!

happy days...

"The smallest act of kindness is worth

more than the grandest intention." ~OW

Thank you so much for all of the birthday wishes for Ben! Between the blog, facebook, cards, phone calls and texts Ben was truly blessed!

Ben's day was busy, busy busy!! I got there a little after 10am, later then normal due to a NASTY snow ice storm! I got out to my car and noticed that I was going to be out there for a long time! This was the day when I wished I had my man around to scrape all the ice off! There was about a 1/2 inch on all the window with icy snow on top and then about an inch thick over the whole van! While I was scraping it was raining sleet rain and I was slipping all over the place from the ice on the ground! The only thing that kept me scraping and not going back inside was that I had to get to Ben and there was an 80 some year old man scraping too and he couldn't show me up! Ben was in the dining area and when I walked in his face lit up and he gave me a big HI! I grabbed him and took him back to his room to show him his surprises!

After that it was off to PT for Ben! today he did alot of walking and push-ups...his birthday workout choice!

Af the end of his PT session Ben walked back to his room, sat for a few min and then walked to the gym where some of his therapists sang to him and gave him a lil cake!

{I tried to sneak a bite and Ben didn't like that!}



It was finally lunch time! That went quickly and then it was to the treadmill!! Ben did his best time yet!! He did a set of 17 min and a set of 9!! The last biggest time was 13 min! He did awesome and when he got back he was sweating and needing some water! Ben got a 30 min break and then it was off to ST and OT! In both sessions his mind and body got challanged!



Finally at 4pm he was done with therapies for the day and then there were lots of birthday calls and opening cards and gifts!

{mimicking a card!}



About 7:30pm after a trip to the bathroom and a shower Ben was out!! I took off about that time and I asked Ben when he was going to fall asleep and he said, "right after you leave!"...and I am sure he did...and so did I!!



...and a photo from Thursday after he walked all over the unit for 1.5 hours (breaks of course) and walking with barely any help today!! Ben is practicing his standing salute and he surprised me with it when he got back! So proud of him!!

Sayings of Ben...

Ben was taking a drink and Ben was starting to cough a bit so I said, "slow down Ben!" To which Ben replied, "yes my love!"



THE FAITHFULNESS OF THE LORD CONTINUES TO SHOW UP IN OUR LIVES EVERYDAY!

Happy Birthday Ben...

Today is a big day for Ben! It is his 31st birthday! The balloons, decorations and cake are all ready to be set up when he is in his morning therapy session! His wish was to have no therapies but that didn't go over well with the therapists!
This is his second birthday in the hospital but I am grateful to be celebrating another one with him being here with us! He at least can tell everyone this year when his birthday is compared to not even knowing it was his day last year!!
What an amazing man and Ben is! He has alot of goals and desires for this year and I know the Lord will honor those!
Ben, I am proud of you! You are a great man of God, one who is loyal to me, you take care of me, you are faithful to many, your an interrous man and your strength to fight this fight inspires me to keep fighting myself! You are my hero, my lover and my best friend! I love you with all my heart!

Your birthday marks another year together;
Such happy times, I couldn’t ask for more,
Spending precious minutes, hours and days
With you, my love, whom I cherish and adore.

We’ve shared so much, we two, in love and friendship;
Each year our bond just seems to grow and grow.
I always want to be right next to you;
To be with you means more than you can know.

You’re always there for me with a loving smile;
I’m never happier than when I know you’re near.
I thought my love for you could not grow stronger;
And yet I love you even more this year. Fuchs

Christmas in January...

{dont get caught walkin under these bad boys!}

Ok, so I am a bid behind on a blog that I should have posted about a month ago! Christmas of course! I have been meaning to get these photos up but there are so many of them I had to pick through them to get the best ones!

Christmas Eve was spent with Ben going to therapies! His sister and bro-in-law were here from PN so Ben got to show off his walking skills! Of course he did a great job and he had us to cheer him on!
Later that evening we found a quaint Mexican place to eat dinner. We had to go through the back door because there were about 10 steps going up...I was not planning on lifting Ben and his chair up that high! It was a fun lil joint, Christmas music and all and not crowded! The reason we picked this place is because Ben kept asking for enchiladas! After dinner we took Ben back to Kessler to get some rest before all the hustle and bustle of Christmas day!



{Christmas Eve dinner}

Christmas morning I headed over to the hospital to get Ben! He greeted me with hugs, kisses and a Merry Christmas! Off we went to my hotel to hang out with his fam and open presents! I got Ben in to a regular chair so that he didn't have to sit in his chair the whole time! Of course he loved it!

Here are a few of him opening presents...don't mind me and my appearance. I was not feeling all to good over Christmas!







After opening our presents Ben laid down for a much needed nap! He slept for a few hours while we chilled and then got ready! It was super hard to wake him up because he was snuggled up in bed and sleeping so soundly! I did give him a lil extra time before getting him up! He allowed me to do so and then we were on the road to go to one of our firefighter buddys parents house! Dante (our bud) and his family were gracious enough to invite us to celebrate with them! We had an amazing course of lasange, fillet minjon, and so may desserts that there was not a table big enough to house them all!
A few photos of our time...the flash kept getting to Ben's eyes so he closed them!









We had a wonderful time with our new "Christmas" family and with Ben's sis and bro-in-law! I was thinking about last Christmas and realizing how far Ben has come since then! It was only a few months after the accident and he was still trying to stay awake, fighting seizures, and having the energy to participate. He lasted about 2 hours last year and this year he just had a two hour nap and was awake the rest of the time! Praise Jesus!!

Ok...back up to date for this past weekend! Ben and I had a relaxing weekend. He got his donut like promised and was a happy camper! He had therapy in the morning and then we just lounged the rest of the day! Ahhh it was so nice!
Sunday I was invited by one of the therapists here to go to their church. She had brought Ben back from therapy one day and noticed the scriptures on the wall and thought she would invite me! She said she knew what it felt like to be new to the area! So, I met up with her and her husband and it was so good to be in the house of the Lord! It is somewhere I would love to take Ben but I have to wait until the snow melts away (which will not be happening soon because it is to snow 3 more times this week) or I have more help because it is all street parking!
After church I picked Ben up and we went back to my room. I got him settled in my bed and we snuggled up and watched Secratariet! Ben made it about 20 min and then fell asleep and then woke up for the last race! It was fine with me because at least I was warm! I ordered some pizza and we chowed down! We headed back about 7ish and poor Ben must have had a rough ride because he let loose his whole dinner! It takes about 5 min for me to get him back...I think he tried to tell me that he was going to puke but then it just came up! I don't know if it was the pizza or the bumpy road! Thankfully I had a blanket on him so it mainly stayed there and a few specks on the van...no biggie! By the time we go back he was for sure tired! We got him cleaned up, settled in bed and then I took off for the night!
Today (Monday) was a good day! Ben had a good workout in PT, lunch, followed by 23 min on the treadmill, a rest and then OT. While he was in OT he was seen by the spacticity clinic and they took a look at his arms, legs and neck. Ben has a few areas that need to be fine tuned and that is what they are there for. He will be getting another round of Botox soon to his right bicep area, right foot, and of course his neck! He also will be getting a brace for his left foot because it has been rolling a bit! Oh the wonders Botox does besides freeze your face! Please be praying that these things work and that Ben will function at a higher level after having them done! While Ben was on the treadmill I snuck out to do some shopping, no not for me, for Ben's upcoming birthday this Wed! The big 31! When I asked him what he wanted he said a North Face jacket! I told him he might have to pick something else because he already has almost 10! I got him a few things I am sure he will enjoy!

Sayings of Ben...
Ben and I were snuggling in my bed and I asked him what he was thinking right then and he said, "my future." M-"oh what does that look like?" B-"going down in a blaze of glory!" M-"I hope not too soon?" B-"Not for a long time!" Whoosh!

Wife vs caregiver...

Beloved, let this one sink in deeply: if God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out! God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you! Live up to it! All the way up!" BM

The past few days I have been thinking about wife vs caregiver. I am Ben's wife but I am also Ben's caregiver, at least part time at this point. I have been finding out that there is a fine line between being a caregiver and wife.
As hard as it has been to not be in Ben's therapies it has taught me an important lesson. I am his wife first. I am not his therapist. As much as I want to be with him to cheer him on in his hard work, that is not my job right now. I didn't get to be there for him at work to cheer him on, encourage him to fight when things got hard, give him a hug when things got bad...I did this at home as his wife. When I take him to therapy it is his job to do these things on his own. He has to fight for it and he has to have the desire and will power to finish strong. I will for sure be there when he gets back from therapy to ask him what he did, how he felt, and how he thought he did.
I don't want to be the wife that demands things out of him because I know it is better for him. I really have to watch my tone that comes from my voice, the way that I treat him and the way that I am there for him.
As Ben's wife I am called to cherish my man, encourage, dote on, love him, be his best friend, be his lover, be the loyal one when others forsake him, pray for him, lead him when he cannot lead us, and be gentle with him. I could go on and on about every thing that I am called to be but that could fill up this whole blog!
As a caregiver it is my role to meet the physical needs of Ben. I help him shave, brush his teeth, bath him, help him eat, help him get comfortable, help him get dressed and so on. At the same time as doing this encourage Ben to do things on his own...with a gentle and peaceful additude. These are important for his everyday living...they need to be done and for now (along with the therapists and nurses) it is my honor and priviledge to take care of him this way, as his caregiver.
I sometimes slip more into caregiver mode and slip out of wife mode and I don't like this! Sometimes I demand, pursuade, make bargains, and worry more about his physical needs then his emotion and spiritual needs. Being in his therapies for so long took the wife role away from me...it changed my additude and how I treated him. I am not saying that I never want to be apart of his therapies or go to them when I can but it has taught me a good lesson.
The Lord has really put this on my heart and has challanged me to pray, encourage and be there for Ben as his wife and best friend! Just because our life has taken a way different turn it doesn't take that role away!
The biggest area that the Lord has opened my eyes to is praying for Ben my husband. I have asked the Lord to show me different ways to pray for him as a man, provider, husband and a recoverer of a brain injury seeking for healing! In my search for how to pray I fell upon a way to pray for your husband for 31 days. I will be starting to pray over my man in very specific ways that they list...each day for 31 days and then I will start over! I don't plan on getting to the end of those 31 days and quitting but continuing to lift my husband up in prayer! You can go HERE
to find the list of days to pray for your husband.
I love this man that God entrusted to me! Ben loves me because God untrusted me to him. I will do anything I can to be Ben's best friend, his companion, his loyalty, his trust and the one who loves him from the bottom of my heart...that will never change!!

Praise report!
I was helping Ben get ready to take a shower tonight and asked him if he could take his shirt off for me. He has been working on getting it off and on in therapy and I have also been helping me. Well what do you know...I looked back over to see if he had started and he already had it pulled over his head and off one arm!! He got it all the way off and said, "here you go!" I could have been more proud of him! Yes, small task but HUGE VICTORY!! Praise Jesus!

Sayings of Ben...
Last night I told Ben I was going to Starbucks in the morning. Before I even had a chance to ask if he wanted anything he said he wanted a donut. I asked him what kind and he said, "a maple bar!" Of course this morning I got 2...one for me and one for Ben! I asked if he wanted the big one or small one and he said the big one! I asked him why he should get it and not me and he said, "because I had a brain injury!" I told him he had to come up with a different reason and he said, "because I am the king!" Ok, Ben you win!

"The Lord within her is righteous. He does no wrong...every new day He does not fail!" Zeph 3:5

back on track...

"If the challenge you are facing doesn't place a demand on your faith, it neither pleases God nor involves Him."

Ok, thank you for bearing with me these past few weeks! It has been a few weeks of visitors, traveling to GA, snow storms (I am done with snow), and a few days of training with Ben in therapy!

Starting with my brother Rich and sis in law Joy! We had a great time with them! Rich and Ben were typical boys and punched and picked on each other! We also were able to take Ben to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island! It was an awesome time! When we were at Ellis Island Ben got fidgety and I asked him what was wrong and he said, "my butt hurts!" We stood him up as he held onto the stair rail and got some good stretching in! Later when we were at the Statue of Liberty he got antsy again and was trying to get out of his chair. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I want to get up and walk like everyone else!" Bless his heart, he is trying so hard!













Ben continues to work hard in his therapies...as always! On Monday he got on the treadmill (he now does it Mon, Wed and Fri) and did 2 sets of 10 min! He said he wanted to double that time on Wed and we asked him for a little more realistic goal and he said he wanted to add 2 min! Well on Wed session he did one time of 11 min, 10 min and 5 min for a total of 26 min!!!! He even beat his 22 min by 4!! Ben still needs assistance in stepping correctly and reminders to keep his head up but 95% is all him! I have also been able to continue walking with him. I am now cleared to transfer him with his walker but still waiting for clearance on the walking! We are a funny sight in the hallways but we are getting better! Tuesday I walked him back to his room after his PT session and sat in a real chair and ate his lunch...he was loving it! I get a small glimpse of how hard he works because at the end of me walking with him I have worked up a sweat!!




{this is what he does after a good walk on the treadmill}



{his ewww face...he hates peppers and yes i tease him}

One BIG prayer request...
Ben has an AMAZING speech therapist but at this point Ben is in a love/hate relationship with him! Ben calls him mean and tough because he makes Ben do things and Ben thinks he is hard on him! Ben understands that his ST is there to help him, speak more clearly, help him work on his memory, and use more words and for this he is grateful. His ST is very good with Ben and knows that Ben can do the things he asks whether he is there or not. He pushes Ben because he knows Ben can do it!
Please pray for Ben and that his additude would change or soften! I want the best for Ben and so does Ben but he has to be willing and not just call people mean when they are trying to help!



Sayings of Ben...
Me-"I love you Ben!" B-"I love you." M-"I love you more." B-"that is not fair!" M-"why?" B-"I love you more and I will because I have a brain injury!!" Ok, he wins!

taking more time...

If the challenge you are facing doesn't place a demand on your faith, it neither pleases God nor involves Him."

PRAISE REPORT!!! I have been praying for this for a long time and it may be minute in some people's lives but in ours it is HUGE!! Ben is now officially allowed to drink any thin liquids he wants! We were having to thicken everything that he drank (so he wouldn't choke, cough and aspiate) so that meant carrying a bottle of thickener every where we went!! He can now drink everything! First on tap...cups and cups of cold, thin Cranberry Apple juice...his favorite! Thank you Jesus!

Yes, you see the photos above! This is what has happened to my feet in the past 2 months! I tried to wear my flips as long as I could and then my family was generous enough to all pitch in and get me some uggs for my birthday! I just got them in the mail the other day and I have been wearing the soles out ever since! This weather is CRAZY...when you get to a temp of 7 degrees at 9am and a HIGH of 18 degrees for the whole day that is just painful! So, I have traded in the flips for the Uggs but some might see me trying to sneak the flips back in!

I'm back safely from my visit to GA and it was a great time with Ben's buddies, bosses and our friends!
I am going to take a bit more time away from here to catch up with my man! I just feel that I need to spend some time with him, give him my
attention and I just need a break for a bit! I promise to get updates and photos up as soon as I get back to it! I should be back in a few days but it might be a tad longer.

Sayings/actions from Ben...
I asked Ben what show was coming on tonight (last sat) that we could both watch and he said, "I don't know!" I said, "Miss America of course!" Ben replied, "I am not watching that, I already have a Miss America!" Well, he fell asleep at 7:30 so I guess he won't be joining me!

Today (monday) was the first day that Ben instigated a hug since the accident! I have been gone for a few days so I guess he missed me! He surprised me with open arms when I took him back to his room!!